Five years ago my life changed, a dark cloud slowly began to cover my heart. It was when I realized that No really didn’t mean No at all. Realizing No means I don’t care what you think I am going to take it anyways. You may have guessed from the picture and the words; but I was raped. This will come to a shook for a lot of people. You may wonder why say something now and not then, it’s because I don’t remember the persons name. Everyday I had to live with what happened to me. Everyday I had to force a smile and pretend nothing happened to me.
Not anymore as the years went by I began to realize that my story needed to be told. I learned that there are people out there just like me afraid of what others may say or think. It feels amazing being able to get this off my chest and feel free.
What’s next is what I say to myself. Telling my story to other people and become a survivor and not a victim anymore. When you start walking as a survivor than a victim, things become more easier. For me I found comfort in poetry and music. I am writing this not for sempathy what’s so ever. I am writing this to let others know they can rise above any obstacle.
During my healing process, I was able to find love again. I was able to trust again. I was able to let people in again and not push them away. I was able to tell my story and not feel anger, guilt, or petty for myself.
Thanks for reading this and trust me I am fine. It feels amazing to get this off my chest. If you have questions please ask me personally.
A smile, eye contact, a nod never tells the story of the hurting individual
No one in this world loves me like you do.
Endless direction in a busy world.
People watching as you fall into the shadows of the world.
Girls with clown faces to cover up the hand print of the night before.
Boys bragging about their big stacks, big chains,next j’s that hides the insecurity they face.
But what would life be like if our men and woman started loving themselves.
Embracing the beauty within themselves.
Being on the front line of the Battle Royale that caused many massacres we face today
Being the paint brush that tells the stories of hope, faith, love and Forgiveness.
Wake up my people start living the truth that Our Father has told you the day He called you His Child.
What is love?
Is it finding it in your next hook up?
Is it in the pictures that lay ahead?
Is it putting pieces together from a broken heart?
Or longing for the next touch that touches the most inner parts.
Having love the day your child was born.
Laying your life down for your fellow friend.
Or someone’s blood being shed two thousand years
Gazing into the eyes of the vows you taken together
Or is it polar opposite
Searching down dead streets for a one way love
Turning your backs on your loved ones
Or crying because your confused and have unanswered questions
Believing the lies that have been told
Having your heart torn the day you left.
Funeral of your child gone so soon.
What is love?….
Extra extra read all about it
That’s what I read in my news paper today.
Headline states: Young Black Man shoot down.
Another name that will be forgotten five years from now.
In the small print it says the killer but you didn’t hear me say what race he was.
That doesn’t matter.
What matters is another human being was killed.
Because he had a target on his back.
Not because he graduated high school, went off to college, got his masters.
It’s because we see him as the next prison sentence.
Or is his going to rob me when he walks by
Or rape me when we are alone.
Daily we walk in and out of the courtroom to seek justice.
To only find Jim Crow sitting in the jury seats.
So again extra extra read all about it.
Headline states: whose next?
That’s what I read in my news paper today.
During a kids life it is suppose to be joy and happiness. learning new things, getting cuts and bruises; just being an average kid. That is what I thought until one day my world was turned upside down by just one hand of playtime. I was between the ages of three to six years old, I remember the family friend saying lets play house and I was excited to play. Not knowing that from that day I will have to carry a dark secret with me for twenty-three years.
Dealing with hurt, shame, anger, self-harm( suicidal thoughts) and many other things. I use to say to myself this doesn’t happen to men and because of that no one will ever know. Years and years has past the more I tired to fight it the more I was hurting deep down.
Recently well the beginning of this year I decided enough was enough and it was time for me to start healing ; not for them but for me if I wanted to be happy with myself. It took a lot of steps to get to this point in my life; but there is one I give credit to and that is one of my older sisters Tominkia( I know I misspelled it). She was the first person I told and it felt amazing, I am not going to go into details of what we talked about; but know it started a healing process for me.
You maybe wondering why am I making a blog about this well this month well it is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I know with my story I can help a fellow brother who is struggling with getting help or even dealing with this issue. One thing I did for me was forgave them for me and not them. This may sound crazy right but if you think about they are sleeping at night while you are waking up with cold sweats, nightmare after nightmare. Trust me I know it is hard but it will feel so much better one day at a time. Another thing I did was tell someone who I knew wouldn’t tell anyone that is key and it will spark many conversations, but most of all TAKE BABY STEPS it is a scary thing for men to admit they were abused. One thing I learned is that it doesn’t make me less of a man. It just makes you a person who have SHATTERED PIECES THAT ARE BEING PUT TOGETHER AGAIN.
I have recently started a movement called #ForgivenDesert and that is where I found what forgiveness was and what it looked liked. So I encourage you my fellow brothers to find what your forgiven desert look like and how to forgive most importantly.
Here is an website I came upon that talks about this issue:
A friend of has inspired me to do something different. Yes, I encourage you to have friends that inspire you to do things. First I want you all to go check out her challenge though: tht2say.com.
Well here is my challenge I will the first one to do it. We live in a world where people are afraid to tell there story because of one reason and that is WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK?.
So I want you to take a picture with the #forgivendesert and talk about what your desert was like? I bet a lot of people didn’t know you were in a desert storm.
It depends on how many I get back I would love to share a story each day or each week. Please let’s make this known and know you are not alone.
You can send your stories to firstname.lastname@example.org or Facebook message me them.
Recently I had the opportunity to see a friend perform at an event called #AmINext? It was amazing ; but one thing it did to me was birth my movement which is called #ForgivenDesert. I am so excited to bring this to life. There was an event in my life that happened recently and that was me coming out as being a gay christian. After coming out to everyone I started to experience something that felt as if I was in the desert; it was a time where I was trying to find answers to the many questions that i had in my head. No I do not have the answers to the questions; but during my desert storm I did find comfort in who I am and I did find more forgiveness from my Savior who loves me for me.
#ForgivenDersert is based on the scripture Luke 1:80 “And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the wilderness until he appeared publicly to Israel.”That scripture spoke to me because that is what I am living now; to one day appear publicly and not have to worry about what others say about me.In the desert you will find the presence of God, where you find love overflowing. Most of all you can search yourself. Just know you are not alone there are other people out there who are walking in their desert as well. I have some many goals going through my mind as I prepare to bring this movement to life. I have big plans for this movement and nothing i mean nothing will stop me.
#ForgivenDesert will be having an a showcase in the near future. Be looking out for future post! Please share to everyone you know who is struggling in there desert.
Luke 1:80 “And the child continued to grow and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel.”
Desert Song’ is basically a song of praise to God, about how you as a Christian will praise him no matter what is going on in your life – i.e. whether things are going good or bad etc., or if you are confined in an environment where it is difficult to act openly as a Christian person.
Do I have the answers to every question that people throw at me. The answer is no I don’t; but one thing I do know is that I am taking it one question at a time. With the recent changes in my life I have experienced love and support; but on the other hand I have experienced backlash. Sometimes I wonder if coming out to everyone was worth it or not. Was it worth the different emotions I was feeling; I would say yes it was. What does my faith look like in this, am I still a Christian?. Those are the two questions I am trying to see how they become one.
One scripture that comes to my mind is John 3:16 ““”For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” I have never stopped loving God or believing in Him. He has done some many miracles in my life, so why would I stop believing Him now. He is the same God when I was in closet and the same God after I came out. The problem is getting others to see how.
One thing I do know is that I have support around me, people praying for me and most of all Loving Me for me. I’m not writing this blog to stir up an uproar with anyone. I’m just writing about my journey and what it looks like now.
So again thank you to the one who continues to show Gods love! There will be more blogs to come. #desertsong
Excitement, joy, nervous is what I felt when I got the news I became a City Year Member.
Why me was the question? What made me stand out over others? Was it my interview, application or the way I answered my questions.
All I knew was it was time to make a difference in one child’s life.
Why me was the question? What made me stand out over others? Was it my background working with children, camp counselor, daycare teacher.
All I knew was it was time to make a child smile about education.
Why me? I asked myself. Was it because I believed that every child deserves a chance to be heard.
So many questions run through my mind. So many images of children running from classroom to classroom getting excited for education.
Grades improving,planning futures, perfect attendance, staying out of trouble.
But still that one question WHY ME?. Of all the people in the world why me.
But all I know is I will wear My Red Jacket and make a difference one child at a time.
Being a Christian it is kind of hard just trusting God with your life and trusting that He has a plan for it. I began to wonder why I was being pulled into a certain state throughout my walk with Christ. That lovely state is called Ohio. I began my journey here right after my departure from Grace College; I really am thankful for the places along the way. God lead me to three different cities while on this journey in Ohio. I found myself running back to Michigan; but every time I was there I wonder why I was feeling depressed and wondering why I was going in a circle the who time there. God brought to my attention that my calling for a little is living in Perrysville,Ohio. I needed to trust Him more and more with my life; knowing that He has a plan. For a while I use to think it was family calling me back and forth; part of me was going back because of family and ignoring what God really wanted for me.
It took this summer for me to realize that my life is not my own life at all. As i look back I see how God was there the whole time and how he placed certain people in my life for a reason; there is people in my life now that I wouldn’t want to change it all. A few doors were opened being here at camp after the summer. I am doing things that I thought I would never be doing, not for a long time at least. God has allowed me to get a good full time job, get my drivers permit, roof over my head, and getting my first car soon, and most of all GOD HAS GIVEN ME PEACE ABOUT EVERYTHING I AM DOING!. As far as right now, I am happy with where God has me right now, what my life looks like in the future I have no idea what God has planned; all I know is that I must trust and follow Him where ever the door opens and yes it will be scary for me to follow at times, but I know He has everything I ever need.
Thank you everyone who is my corner!